Giant Accelerator to be Turned into Amusement Ride
Following an international summit meeting agreeing total withdrawal of funding anywhere in the world for anything vaguely related to physics, the accelerator at CERN has been brought by a well known leisure firm in order to be turned into an amusement park ride. We spoke exclusively to their spokesman who could be heard indistinctly thorough his mouse costume. "The first tests have proved highly successful," he claimed. "Children have been whizzed around at up to 17,000 feet per second. By packing up to four children in at once using KY jelly if necessary we can be even more cost effective. There is also an added bonus for parents," he added. "In that we can use the existing equipment for parents to track and detect their kids as they go around. Of course, this will be limited by the small size of the children and we have found that Delphi detectors in particular cannot detect anything smaller than a 4 year old child. Children classed the ride as "all right" but criticised the lack of ups and downs in the ride and complained that the radiation made them feel sick and their hair fall out. "There are teething problems." the spokesman admitted. "But we feel sure that they can be overcome and this will be a very successful venture to match its rivals being created in Rutherford and Caltech."Acclaim for the Head of CERNs Lecture
Dr Maiani, the head of the multimillion experiment CERN, yesterday gave a lecture to amazed physicists at the centre. "It was really my fault," explained his secretary. "I had booked him to talk to a group of Geneva schoolchildren being shown around the place..." Dr Maiani explained to the assembled physicists that particles were accelerated around 'the big tube' like 'a game of tether ball' and likened the accelerating magnets to the tennis rackets. He went on to explain that the subatomic particles were like a big bowl of fruit' with the neutrinos apples, the charms grapefruit and so on and the job of the physicists was to 'bash them all together to make a sort of fruit salad' The lecture was well received by the assembled top physicists from around the world who were gathered for the annual conference. "Well hell, I had never really understood what it was that we were doing until he explained it today" said one noted Californian physicist. "I agree" added his counterpart in Brazil "It's really cleared things up for me. I can't wait to get home and tell my wife exactly what it is that I am being paid for.' Dr Maianis speech will be transcripted into a book which it is hoped, will form the basis for postgraduate physics education.Subatomic Particles Form Protest Group
4 particles joined together today to protest against "ruthless exploitation and experimentation" by physicists. "We want everyone to know that our working conditions are extremely hazardous" explained Strange. "We are hurtled around a narrow tube at speeds of up to 900,000,000 mph with no safety equipment. We do our best to avoid collisions with each other but at these unsafe speeds it is no surprise that some of us collide occasionally." "And not only that," added his colleague Up, "their attitude when this happens is callous to the point of obscene. They take close up shots of the aftermath and and appear excited when viewing as our lives are blown apart. The lesson of Humpty Dumpty is totally wasted on these guys."CERN Cleaner 'Fed Up' with Subatomic Mess
Jim Dowling, on site cleaner for CERN facilities declared last week that he is 'fed up with cleaning up all the subatomic mess that them damn physicists leave behind.' "At the end of everyday they rush off skiing or down the pub and I am left to sweep up the results of their experiments, downs, tops, stranges scattered all over the floor. I've seen a few Higgs which I know they would be interested in but frankly, if they can't take more care then they don't deserve the credit." Jim has a collection of fallout on his mantelpiece at home which he proudly displays. Jars of downs sit next to a neat pile of neutrinos but pride of place is given to an unnamed particle . "I ain't too sure what this one is " says Jim. "But I've had a look into it and I figure that it is the force behind gravity.Beardy Physics Researcher Berates lack of Page Three Stunners in his Lab
Dr Paul Bearington states that he is bitterly disappointed by the lack of 'Topless stunners' in his research lab. "I know that there are more men than women in physics but my lab appears to be full of German beardy tossers" he moaned, stroking his own scraggly facial furniture. Paul is frequently reduced to downloading vast quantities of hardcore pornography to make up for his daily disappointment of walking into his lab and failing to to find Melinda Messenger sitting at his desk. "I'd give 'er one," he said. "I've sent her fan mail, parked outside her house for hours, photographed her with my telescopic lens and been arrested twice so that now she's actually got a 3 mile exclusion zone order on me" he complained. Paul's busy trying to solve the attracting force between subatomic particles. He drinks heavily in his spare time.And the latest medical news......
Doctor Found Treating Patients for 5 Years
Dr S., who cannot be named for legal reasons is accused of consistently treating patients and trying to get them better over a 5 year period. Female patients coming into his office were routinely subjected to a detailed interview regarding their symptoms and then underwent a medical examination in the presence of a nurse chaperone. Members of the disciplinary committee heard how he had not deliberately killed a single person over the five years that he had been a medical practitioner and had completely failed to abuse his position other than apparently parking on a single yellow line outside his surgery at peak hours. Patient Sue Pembrook stated how she had seen Dr S. on several occasions expecting to 'at least be groped' but "all he did was offer me some counselling and a prescription for Prozac." The Case continues.......Mother Brings Sick Child to Casualty
Accident and emergency doctors were stunned yesterday by the arrival of a genuinely sick child into casualty. Sister Crawley said "It was quite an exciting event which we may not see again in our professional lifetimes" "Absolutely, " agreed SHO Dr Baxter "I mean I have read it in the textbooks and heard about events like this happening but to actually see on is just fantastic experience." "I was just about to give the mother a lecture on why she should not have called an ambulance when I noticed that the child was blue and not really breathing at all well" recalled Sister Crawley. "I had to call the doctor over to confirm my finding as I have never seen a case before and we eventually transferred the child to our 'resuscitation' area of casualty. St Elsewhere casualty has been recommended by the area manager for a cost effectiveness award following this episode.And Finally........
Place of Worship Exchange Programme
Under a new programme designed to improve the almost non-existent relations between the Church of England and the ancient Aztec religion a place of worship exchange programme has been organised. The Church of England has agreed to transfer Leicester cathedral to Mexico in return for a fully featured Aztec pyramid. "We're very excited about the programme as you can imagine," said the Bishop of Leicester. "We really have got way too many cathedrals in England and we think that people will be more attracted to a pyramid shape. We will be having the opening consecration ceremony in June and the Archbishop will be coming to say a simple prayer followed by our first child sacrifice. We hope to have these on a regular basis but this is under discussion with the local social services department." Chief Mayo Mayo in Mexico was also enthusiastic. "We have already imported a job lot of grey cardigans and since our religion has been fairly harmonious over the last 4000 years or so we are looking forward to internal wrangles about the status of gay priests and how to attract young people to the service by using 'Rock and Roll' music which we are learning from Sir Cliff Richard records.